The best thing about the Top 25 More Or Less is that it takes into account all manner events and collates them in a coherent and, frankly, indisputable form.
The worst thing about it is that college football fans don’t like that it can’t be taken seriously enough to get someone to message the author and call him an idiot for not understanding the true cosmic value of Clemson football.
Well, as those of you who know this work understand, the position here is consistent and constant: Screw the fans. You want a poll, make up one of your own, and if you do, don’t be surprised if you live alone for the rest of your life.
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1. MAX SCHERZER (14-12, two no-hitters): Overcame the crushing pressure of knowing that Jonathan Papelbon was in front of his new house warming up from the sixth inning on, just in case.
2. CLEMSON (4-0, 3-1): Fails to fail at home against Notre Dame, giving new meaning to the phrase, “Dabo Swinney is the best postgame interview ever.”
3. FLORIDA (5-0, 4-1): Only weeks after snapping at his own players, Jim McIlwain snaps all over Mississippi, and now is forgiven for all of it because, well, he won. Do you really have to ask?
4. BAYLOR (4-0, 4-0 TOTALS): Beat Texas Tech, 63-35, to easily cover absurd 88-point total, the highest ever in the history of math. Baylor is 39-13-2 in its last 53 games with a over-under number.
5. UTAH (4-0, 3-1): Idle, but College GameDay is going to Salt Lake City next week for what is expected to be blandest pregame show ever. Rece Davis will ask for a Coke and be set upon by angry natives, if that’s your idea of fun.
6. FINLANDIA (1-4): Just when you think the team has lost hope after losing its first four games by an average score of 68-2, the Lions rise up and beat Maranatha Baptist, 30-14, for the first win in school history. We anticipate the NCAA will begin investigating lack of recruiting violations at the school once it’s done with the Louisville hooker scandal.
7. NAVY (4-0, 4-0): Covering covering covering. SERGIO AGUERO: The Manchester City star scored five times in nine seconds to lead the Noisy Neighbors over Newcastle United, 6-1. Edges out SOUTHAMPTON, which gave Chelsea and Jose Mourinho another nuclear wedgie (you know, where you pull the other person’s underwear up so high that you hook the waistband on said person’s nose and ears). And yeah, I fully intend for you to live with that image.
8. MICHIGAN STATE (5-0, 0-5): The perfect season – always winning, never covering – is almost halfway done.
9. NORTHWESTERN (5-0, 4-1, 0-5): David Shaw’s favorite team ever, including two of his own Stanford teams. It’s probably because, banned from playing FanGraftThingsFuel by the we-get-paid-so-you-don’t-have-to meatheads at the NCAA, Shaw has bet the under every week to augment his paltry university pay.
10. TOLEDO (4-0, 3-0-1, 0-4): The plucky Rockets will regret that push against Iowa State.
11. CINCINNATI REDS (64-97, 1-13): Fails to run the table for the final 15 losses of the year by winning at Pittsburgh, 3-1, and blows the first pick in next year’s amateur draft in doing so. That’s pretty much missing the forest for the poison toadstools right there.
12. OHIO STATE (5-0, 1-4): Despite Ezekiel Elliott, Buckeyes are making their fans angry by allowing teams like Indiana – or in this case, actually Indiana – hang around. So despite Toledo and even Ohio, the state is pretty pissed today, and still doesn’t know what the Browns are going to do.
13. ALEX LEWIS (2-3, and he didn’t even need Twitter): The Nebraska lineman and team captain who blew kisses to the crowd and was heard saying, “I’m sorry we suck” after the Corn Beasts’ grisly 14-13 to Illinois.
14. TEXAS RANGERS SOCIAL MEDIA DEPARTMENT (Fire Who?): One of their number got canned after tweeting “Fire Charlie” for Texas football coach Charlie Strong after TCU beat the Longhorns into a flat burnt orange paste.
15. TCU (5-0, 2-3): Gary Patterson had no comment on the firing of the Internet guy, but he’d talk crap about him if you only ask.
16. SOUTHERN MISSISSIPPI (3-2, 5-0): Hard to argue with this logic.
17. CENTRAL MICHIGAN (Who Cares, 5-0): Hard to argue with this logic, either.
18. AARON GOLUB (1-0): Tulane’s legally blind long snapper delivered the goods on the Green Wave’s last touchdown Saturday against Central Florida. Hey, you try it, smartass.
19. ARIZONA STATE (3-2, 1-4, 0-5): How dare they be proud of beating UCLA now that we know they stink against the line?
20. FLORIDA STATE (4-0, 46 points against): Beat Wake Forest, 24-16. Sorry, guess again.
21. OKLAHOMA AND OKLAHOMA STATE (9-0, 5-4): They play each other two days after Thanksgiving, so if you’re betting the total, don’t forget the tryptophan factor.
22. AUSTRALIA (2-0): Gave England the perfect gift by winning in the Rugby World Cup, 33-13, eliminating England in the minimum number of games at a tournament England is hosting for the first time in 24 years. Jarryd Hayne is laughing his ass off in preparation of the 49ers-Packers game tomorrow, though he’ll have to hide that smile Sunday.
23. CALIFORNIA (5-0, 3-2): From the university’s entrance exam: “After watching the Washington State game, why the hell are you coming here?”
24. STANFORD (4-1, 4-1): From the university’s entrance exam: “Weren’t you the one who was doing the Cal entrance exam, you scum?”
25. OREGON QUARTERBACKS (Four and counting): From the university’s entrance exam: “Ever picked up a football?”